Redemption

Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I often do not recognize the person staring back at me. It devours me with the deepest sorrow when I see how pure and innocent her eyes are. I wish there was a way to go back in time to change those episodes of my life that offers me nothing more than remorse. A rushed force of suppressed emotions fills up my throat when I see how stained I am. Forgiving yourself is not easy for a guilt that is tormenting you for years; a kind of guilt where you were just a victim of the situation, yet a sense of self-hatred spreads in your blood like venom, because you feel so polluted. I tried to erase these unwanted memories that I have been bearing since I was four; memories that torture me inside. However, my attempts to efface these reminiscences always diminish in vanity. It is like they are inextricably tangled with my veins which I am unable to separate. Shall I ever be able to forgive myself? Am I worth of forgiveness? I wish I could lock these memories into a vault and throw the key into a sea.

I often feel like the dream catcher that is hanging on my wall is not functioning properly; because almost every night as soon as I close my eyes, I endure nightmares. Maybe that is how I turned into a nocturnal creature. A thousand sleepless nights are better than a nightmarish sleep. For years, I have been frantically seeking for salvation which led me no where but filled me with more revulsion. Is there any way to escape this unforgettable past? I absolutely have no clue.

Sometimes a flicker of hope sparks in me when those innocent eyes look back at me in the mirror, with a desperate assurance of a new luminescent morning. I discover that the one and only person who can save me from drowning in this repentance is I, myself. I am my salvation!