Me, My world and...

When I am sitting alone and doing nothing in particular, unconsciously I drift away in my own world. An intoxicated longing to loose myself in this tempting solitude awakens in me; where it is only me, me and me. Never before, I let any intruders enter this very private kingdom of my own, where I rule and my thoughts follow. Besides why would I do so? When I know that no one will ever be able to decode my thoughts. Until without a warning, you stepped into my world. It is hard to interpret if I was shocked or surprised; but it sure left me oblivious of my surroundings. I don't remember if loneliness ever touched me. I was never solitary, other than in a crowd of plastic dolls. Because the mechanical existence of these fragile robots always left me in a motionless journey. However, I always had my own world and the three most important components that constituted my surroundings; my music, my journal and my sketchbook. If I had a pen, paper and my music to accompany me; what else did I need?
Until you came, out of no where. Even your unseen presence made everything upside down in my world. Was I shocked? I don't know… All I knew is that I was sinking in a sea of mysterious emotions. Yet I did not do anything to swim back to the shore. Because I thought the waves will hit me back in course of time. But as days are passing by this thirst is being more persistent. I don't know where it is leading me; I am just blindly following an unknown signal of a wrecked and ruined lighthouse. And for the first time in my life, what I NEVER felt before, I am feeling now… I feel lonely. The music is not helping, the sketches are resulting in doodles and the writings are only scribbles now. The empty walls are coming alive and talking to me. It is not only me and my world anymore, but you too. Sad but true, my world is now revolving around you...
Or maybe this is not me... because this can not be possibly me...

Redemption

Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I often do not recognize the person staring back at me. It devours me with the deepest sorrow when I see how pure and innocent her eyes are. I wish there was a way to go back in time to change those episodes of my life that offers me nothing more than remorse. A rushed force of suppressed emotions fills up my throat when I see how stained I am. Forgiving yourself is not easy for a guilt that is tormenting you for years; a kind of guilt where you were just a victim of the situation, yet a sense of self-hatred spreads in your blood like venom, because you feel so polluted. I tried to erase these unwanted memories that I have been bearing since I was four; memories that torture me inside. However, my attempts to efface these reminiscences always diminish in vanity. It is like they are inextricably tangled with my veins which I am unable to separate. Shall I ever be able to forgive myself? Am I worth of forgiveness? I wish I could lock these memories into a vault and throw the key into a sea.

I often feel like the dream catcher that is hanging on my wall is not functioning properly; because almost every night as soon as I close my eyes, I endure nightmares. Maybe that is how I turned into a nocturnal creature. A thousand sleepless nights are better than a nightmarish sleep. For years, I have been frantically seeking for salvation which led me no where but filled me with more revulsion. Is there any way to escape this unforgettable past? I absolutely have no clue.

Sometimes a flicker of hope sparks in me when those innocent eyes look back at me in the mirror, with a desperate assurance of a new luminescent morning. I discover that the one and only person who can save me from drowning in this repentance is I, myself. I am my salvation!

Imaginary Conversation

I hear people talking in my head, continuously murmuring like a broken record player. At some point, my head starts hurting; as the crystal clear picture of me, tearing apart in a sudden explosion appears in front of my eyes...
Seriously, I need a break !


Are you there?
Yes. I am.
I will be always there.
Then why can't I reach you, when I long for you so badly?
Because I am unreachable like that.
Although I am still there; right beside you, like a shadow.
Why! Why don't you let me fade into you then?
Why do you always draw a line between us?
When I crossed all the boundaries...
Because soon enough you will realize you can not possibly
penetrate me. I am more likely to be defined as a thick, dense cloud.
Mmmm... not really... to me, you are just like Rumi's poems...
"No body, No soul, You are from the soul of souls"
Warning!!!
You are loosing yourself in me...
You don't have to alert me... I realized that long time ago..
You should have taken some pre-cautions then...
Huh! you are talking about defenses..
*silence*
Can we save us from an agressive tornado or a devastating tsunami?
The situation is similar...
Hmmm.....*sighs*
All I can say is that you should find a way to come back to the reality.
Reality!?! huh.. your reality only knows how to betray me..
Do you even understand the gravity of the situation?
Throwing these memories into the garbage,
will completely make me hollow with nothing left inside...
They are my last portion of belonging which encourage me to breathe everyday...
Yet I will suggest you to confront the cruel reality.
"Reminiscence " is leading you to a dead end;
and the kind of dream you are experiencing,
is nothing more than a mere illusion.....
....... and you are too... just a momentary illusion.
It is for you to decide.
Are you actually?
I am confused.
Why did it feel so real then?
*silence*
Ah! What a fool I am!
You ARE actually,
That's why you are unreachable. Aren't you?
Can't believe I was dreaming for so long...
(silently whispers)
... Yes you were. Now it is time to wake up...
I will be still around though.. just like a shadow.
Or shall I say like a ghost?




....................
You were right...
My reality is actually collapsing into pieces; and there you
are..... still haunting me like a ghost....
What can I do other than blaming the nocturnal pollution that infected me....

<3

I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU I l o v e YOU

Beyond INFINITY...

Although it will remain concealed forever
I am back to my camouflage...
Never again will I take off this disguise